Half Man Half Biscuit Epiphany
I can recall the day quite clearly. A Friday, in July.
A sweltering eighty degrees. Martin Jarvis was
completing his week in Dictionary Corner; he'd been
reassuringly average. Somewhere in the Shires, surgeons
had entered the mind of Mr Stinchcombe and found black
apes, gibbering on dark lawns. I'd spent the afternoon
becoming increasingly frustrated with the grooming
agitator on my lime Dyson. I was due in Parbold at
seven fifteen, and wasn't going to make it. Telephoning
the person who needed to know this, I found myself
caught up on a crossed line, something I'd not
experienced for years. I listened in with quiet
delight.
It appeared that someone called Bill, whilst out
walking the bounds that morning, had looked in to Top
Acre, and been horrified to see the almost visible
ribcage of a foal, which belonged to the straggle-
haired girl from Keepers Cottage, whose name, if this
was a Helen Fielding novel, would be something like
"Martha Flanagan". But the countryside is never as
romantic as townsfolk believe it to be, and the girl's
name was Karen Henderson. On closer inspection of the
poor emaciated beast, it was agreed that a visit upon
the child's father was in order. Not a mission to
relish apparently, as the man in question was affected
by a strange disquiet, which gnawed away at his faith,
and it was rumoured his days were spent sucking on the
bleached bones of his dead mates, whilst writing songs
for the hospice - one of which goes like this:
Na na na na na na na na na na na
Oh sucking on the bleached bones
Of my dead mates
Trying to get to Parbold
For a quarter past seven
And it isn't gonna happen
Hospice, I think you're marvellous
Hospice, I sing your praises
On high days and holidays
I big you up on high days and holidays
I hear you go on some good outings
I'd like to go on one of your outings
Please take me with you on one of your outings
I heard you're going to Billing Aquadrome
I hear you're going to Billing Aquadrome
I've never been to Billing Aquadrome
Let me go with you to Billing Aquadrome
Please let me go to Billing Aquadrome
I'll be busking this at Embankment
I'll be busking this at Embankment
I'll be busking this at Embankment tube tomorrow...
January the sixth. Epiphany.