Jake Thackray Jolly Captain
There once was an old captain who wished nothing more
Than to live again his voyages and walk by the
seashore.
A simple man, and a good man, but the bane of his life
Was his ill-tempered, bad-hearted bitch of a wife.
Though the jolly captain was plagued by her bile
He smoked his long pipe and he smiled upon her
tenderly.
He didn't like her much, but he’d loved her. Despite
her rough tongue
The whey-faced old nag-bag had been his pretty darling
once
She fell down her staircase, she fractured her neck.
She lay upon the linoleum in a black apoplexy.
Her baleful eyes bulged with unspeakable abuse:
It seems that her spleen had been overproducing
So the jolly captain carried her to bed.
"Close your poor eyes," he said, "sleep a little
peaceably".
He brought her fresh butter and cool watercress,
Violet and peppermint to soothe her heart's bitterness
From her death bed she said, "if you marry when I die
"I'll crawl from my coffin to haunt you vexatiously".
With a howl and a scowl, with a shudder and a shake
She spat out her peppermint and went to vex her maker.
Unhappy captain, so sad when she died,
He closed her wild eyes, and he cried a bit on the
Friday.
But he saw no good reason for wasting away,
So he married an apple-cheeked girl on the Saturday
Alas, jolly captain, you’re married too soon.
She'll come to torment you from underneath her
tombstone.
She'll scratch and she'll claw her way up from the
grave,
Hacking her way back again with furious fingernails.
"No," said the jolly captain, "she'll stay in her
place.
"She can scratch, she can scrape, till she's black in
the face.
"No, she won't come to haunt me and taunt me, I know,
"'Cause I buried her face downward, she's a long way to
go.
"No, she won't come to haunt me and taunt me, I know,
"'Cause I buried her face downward, she's a long way to
go."