Jandek Worthless Recluse
Worthless recluse
Bang, pow, steel, muscle, k
What worse, I'm alone
Grown the bane of not being interested in the plate they passed to you
All the pleasure spots in the city
And if I walk in, my person screams
I'm obviously out of place
My shoes don't kick one over the other
So much as they used to
I'm here, God knows it
But where are you
The object of my satisfaction?
But this solitude doesn't agree with anyone
What's my name?
Go, and be alone, and stop crying
Well it's not any fun
And I look at myself being busy
And I know I'm putting something off
What is it?
I remember being alive
In the cold northern cities
I didn't need to think if I were interested
Eight-thirty wasn't too late
And I look at my lonely bed
Where once in my life I shared it regular
Oooooh, the years, and the time
These memories that keep me going
From one activity to another
Well I don't know which is the real life
What I do actively
Or when my thoughts are lost in time
My new house, in elegant comfort, is one thing
But being huddled in red, blue, and orange
Cracks in the walls, wind whistling
I'll not ever forget
And your face behind the flowers
Somehow branded to my half-life
Which may take over yet
Consciously I play the game of making money
Back in my brain, is the cold northern cities
And the cold that makes me jump up and down
I just can't seem to kill this pain today
I can't afford to do me in
And it makes me wonder whoever is happy in this world
I can't see them, are they there?
The supermarkets are always jam packed, the acceptable way
I got a big frame, born with it, sure do need a side of beef
42 heads of lettuce, 888 potatoes
And all the apple pies my Mack truck can drive away with
Cure all, better than a bandage
Better than the blue
Better even than TV
Oh oh, here comes the pain
Break out a barrel of cheese
Yep, we got ours
Ooh, coming on years since I met you
Half the time I saw you
Half the time one of your eyes looked past my shoulder
What was there? Was it better than my eyes?
When you let me see you
Nothing looked better
Even, unfortunate or not, me
Maybe that's why now, I view myself in the dream
And finding myself, and it hurts
And the dream is more fun
Anything beats the pain of being me and knowing I'm alone
And putting off doing something, whatever it is
I guess, something, like
Living in northern city doorways
Heading north, to the woods, to clean earth (?)
Back where the police invite you to
The back seat of their car, check you out
Why can't I shave and do my part to build man's home?
Where do you live, man? Do you really live here?
Why does my dream keep forgetting that?
Power, let's build power
I guess it spreads the English language
Communication, no more tribes with shrunken heads
It's inevitable, it's my playground
But I have to be serious
Step into the car, mister. What are you?
I'm a little boy, I don't wanna be big
I'll act out my part, and lean on my half-life
In times of trouble, or when it's just there
What else can I do?
Except be a man, and visit ice castle
And live on rocks even if it is cement
And anything's better than all this dirt and grass
So far from the woods, give me cement and wall to wall people
Let me know where I am
Or show me the way to the woods
Wearing deerskin shoes, and carrying a club
Or walking naked on top the snow, light as the air
Black leather head to toe
With some place to go.
I wanna be where no time is the wrong time
Where everything falls in place
Like fiber-optics, ultrasonic waves, and control systems
Control is the name of the game
Lord God, let me get it down
When I get it to a fine T, it's gone
Let it build to perfection, and stay
Oh well, take off
Target eternal light, all systems go. Satisfaction
Maybe then this worthless recluse can carry a torch
Look, I'm a human
But I'm something supernatural
The dream gives light
Listen all you dead and dying
Don't be afraid
If it hurts, let it die
The Easter lily blooms
Its smell surrounds the table
An unforgettable presence, an ominous sight
The purple foil covers the vase pot
Casting reflections through the diffused light
Such beauty and awesome fragrance
Who ever thought they could remove this sanctuary
I don't like fighting, especially when I'm fighting me
I'm staying up late and I don't really know why
I hope I can live till tomorrow and the next day without eating
I'm fed up with eating for a while
I know it, it's only weakness
That binds me at the supermarket counter
Trading green paper for something to do
Blessed are the sociable, that say stupid things
And get close to their neighbors
It takes a worthless recluse to shrink from groups
It takes a half-hearted chicken recluse
To live among people
The best of them disappear
And that's what it's all about
That's why I can't make it
I'm not strong enough to disappear
It takes a supernatural being to disappear
I'm not that good
This human thing in me wants me to be a hero
I want people to think I'm great
I want people giving me so much money
That I have an airplane, a boat and car and house that's everywhere
And the network to support all this
So where is it?
Stuck in the dream, because I don't have the courage to disappear
I know it's the only way to salvation, but
The old nag human me still wants to play with money, people and things
To make a name in the world
Disappearing to God's eye
And away from the eye of the world
Is the big step
Weaklings like me have to hang around, and play, and fudge, and delay
For fear of the big step
I'm just lucky I even know about it
The only reason I do know
Is I begged god to tell me about it
On my knees, screaming with pain
On the sixth floor, in New York City
So I'm telling you about it
Everyone doesn't have to live in northern doorways
To take the big step
Or go to the woods, or ice
We all have our way to go, but everyone knows
Now that I'm telling you
That there is something to do
A big step to take
Into the eye of God
Play human if you have to
But at least know
And don't kid yourself
Behind that big piece of delicious poison
All you dead and dying
Disappear to your own eye
So that you don't see yourself
Live the half-life
Step inside the dream