Kunt & The Gang Kuntish Christmas
Me and Les next door
Were as good mates as we could be
We went on holiday together
His missus, him, Little Kunt and me
We'd talk about football and birds we'd shag
We really got on swell
Then Les would tell a racist joke and he'd crack up laughing
And I'd pretend to laugh as well
We'd have beers in the front garden
And a big smoke out the back
He lent me his drill to put up some shelves
And I lent him the best of Massive Attack
Les became like my new best friend
And never a cross word was spoken
But one day I lent him my brand new strimmer
And when it came back, the guard was broken
He never said anything and I was put out
Because I'd only purchased it recently
Surely if you cracked the guard on someone's new strimmer
You'd mention it out of common decency
So I haven't spoken to him for six months
He keeps asking what is wrong
But since Christmas is a time of forgiving and love
Les, I've written you this song
I hope you have a kuntish Christmas
I hope your presents gets robbed while you're out
I hope your turkey's dry, you burn your mouth on a mince pie
And your granny chokes on a sprout
I hope you have a kuntish Christmas
I hope the needles fall off of your tree
I hope that your ballsac turns blue and black
And when it does you think of me
(And my strimmer that you borrowed and you ruined)
I hope a member of your close family
Develops the big C
And not the sort that can be cured
With chemotherapy
I hope that walking home from the pub
On a wintry Christmas eve
You get bumraped by a big black man
And contract HIV
(Up your anus that he rodgered and he ruined)
I hope you have a kuntish Christmas
The worst one of your whole life
I hope you pop in to see Geoff over the road
And he's sticking it to your wife
Up the wrongun
I hope you have a kuntish Christmas
I hope Santa passes you by
I hope your house burns down with your kids inside
And you have to stand and watch them fry
(While I'm next door, wanking out the window)
And next time you borrow something
Maybe you'll agree
If you f..ck it up, you should own up
Out of common courtesy
And then I'd say to you, “Have a happy Christmas”