Negativland A Big 10-8 Place (part Two)
(15:49)
Okay. We're 10-8. And the number is 180 and the letter is G. There is no
other possibility. And all you slimy fruitcakes in San Francisco are going
to learn how to get to 180 and the letter G. I repeat, there is no other
possibility. There is no other possib--
The number is 180 and the letter is G. The first thing you have to do to
get over to 180 and the letter G is to get into your vehicle and headEast.
I repeat, you have to head East over the bridge. But before you get onto
the bridge, around one big turn, you'll come up to the place where the sex
chemicals burned up. I repeat, where the sex chemicals burned up. And of
course you all must have heard about that on news center four...On your way
to 180 and the letter G.
And now we're on the bridge. That's nothing very much, but when you get on
the other side of the bridge on your way to 180 and the letter G, you'll
notice two things. First of all it's very important that you turn on your
AM radio. Set it to 1010 on your dial, and let the radio frequency energy
from K-101 overload your little tuner until it distorts very highly. And
right at the point of that extreme distortion, there's the big chairs. I'm
not exactly sure, but I think that's where all the sewer water from Oakland
goes.
And then, by then, you'll be out of all that distortion, and you'll be
looking East, toward the hills, and if it's at night, you'll see the little
red lights flashing on my favorite ham radio repeater station -- that's WR6
Automatic Bowel Movement.
And any of you who are into jamming, keep talking, keep jamming, because
I'll be listening on my scanner radio, and just maybe...you'll be on the
next album.
You come up to the tunnel. And now we're coming up to the tunnel. Up to
the tunnel. And then as you get into the tunnel, you'll start to sense
something. And then about halfway through the tunnel, something will
suddenly hit you. You won't sense it a lot until you get almost through to
the other side. You'll realize right then and there that you're entering
Contra-Costa County. It's hard to explain [hard to explain, hard to
explain], but you feel a certain way when you get into Contra-Costa County
on your way to 180 and the letter G. There is absolutely no other
possibility.
And then you're gonna whisk out, out of the tunnel on the East side, in
Contra-Costa County, where it's about 40 degrees warmer and the humidity is
about 15 percent, and you'll just stay on that freeway all the way until
you get to Martinas. When you're up to Martinas, you'll see a sign, a sign
that says `G.' And you're just gonna go right on up there in your little
vehicle and you're gonna turn left onto G.
On the left hand side of the street is the A&W root beer place, and on the
right side is another little place where you're gonna go later on in the
story: Safe Muffins.
Now that you're on G, you're just gonna keep right on going up G, heading
West on G, all the way to the top of the hill, and that's where 180 is.
Right up there at the top. And just before you get to the top of the hill,
you'll notice the green slime oozing out from under the house at 180 and
the letter G.
And of course, it had to be true, you just gotta go right back down to Safe
Muffins and shoplift. I repeat, you're gonna have to shoplift the HR Steam
Cleaning System from Safe Muffins. The only way you're gonna be able to do
it successfully is to become invisible. And then when you're totally
invisible, you'll just creep right on into Safe Muffins, and thereyou'll
see it: The HR Steam Cleaning System. And then you'll realize that
you're gonna have to get it up the street to 180 very quickly, so you whisk
your Steam Cleaning System right back up G all the way to 180. You go
right up to the front door and you push the button.
The door opens automatically, and the first thing you see is the orange
carpet inside 180...and you'll see the dog juice, the horrible dog juice
all over the orange carpet at 180 and the letter G. You're just gonna
march right on into G, there, with your HR Steam Cleaning System, go all
the way back into the kitchen, where the Mr. Coffee Coffee-amker has your
hot water. Your hot water, ready to pour into your HR Steam Cleaning
System. So you go in there and get your HR Steam Cleaner all fired up, and
you bring it on out into the living room and you take care of all the dog
juice on the orange carpet at 18 and the letter G.
"I think I'd like to have a cigarette now. Where are my
cigarettes, David?"
``They're on top of the refrigerator.''
"David, I'd like to know what
you did with my cigarettes."
``They're under the house.''
"My cigarettes are missing, David. I'd like to smoke. What did
you do with them?"
``They're in the toad cage.''
"David, I'd like to have a cigarette right now bu tI can't find the
package. I put them on the table and they're not there. Did you take
them?"
``I think we may have left them up at Grandma's house.''
"My mother doesn't smoke, David. What did you do with my
cigarettes?"
``I told you, they're on top of the refrigerator.''
"I loo
ked on top of the refrigerator. They aren't there. will you
please tell me what you did with my cigarettes?"
``Maybe you left them in the car.''
"I haven't been in the car all day. You must have put them
somewhere and I can't find them. You better tell me now or I'm going to
really get mad."
``Oh yeah, I think I know where they are. They're in back of the
TV set, where all the parakeet feathers are.''
As you're cleaning the orange carpet, there'll be a voice that says:
"FETCH MY CIGARETTES."
Another voice will say:
``THEY'RE ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR.''
And then of course you've forgotten completely about the green slime. And
you'll realize that the only way to get rid of the green slime is to go
back down, down the stairs, down to the basement of 180 and the letter G,
where you'll find a bottle of Formula 409. You'll get that 409 up there
real quick, and go outside to the mailbox of 180 where the green slime and
all the ants are oozing out onto the sidewalk, and you'll spray it with all
your might as hard as you can on that goddamn green slime. And then you'll
have gotten all that horrible stuff.
{There are gonna be?} toads under the house, and they'll be saying,
"Herbiss, herbiss, under the house, spray me with the 409, herbiss." That's
what the toads are gonna say to you. They won't croak, they'll actually
say that. When you're at G...and 180.
By then you'll realize that you're gonna have to take your HR Steam Cleaning
System back down to Safe Muffins. And before you can do it, you'll of
course have to become invisible once again. You'll take your HR steam
cleaning system, which you shoplifted from Safe Muffins, you'll put it back
in for somebody else to use, at some other number, some other letter,
somewhere in another dimension.
And it'll be time for you to head back to San Francisco, 'cause if you
don't, you'll never leave Contra-Costa county. You'll get back in your
vehicle, and you'll go in reverse, in reverse gear, using your rear-view
mirror, all the way back down the freeway, past Pleasant Hill, Lafayette,
and Orinda. You'll go back through the tunnel, and you're gonna get back
on the other side of the hills, there, through the tunnel, right past the
ham radio repeater, and you'll whisk down that hill at 90 miles an hour.
You'll get into the appropriate lanes, on your way from 180 and the letter
G, back into San Francisco. Back past K101 and the big chairs, which
remind you of the sewer gas back on G, where you could become invisible.
Not really sure if Oakland sewer gas can do it as well as Martinas sewer
gas. And you're on the bridge now, heading West, into the fog, the high
fog, I repeat: fog never touches the ground in California, it's always so
damn high. And you get across, and you look back to where the sex
chemicals were made, and finally you get back into your sewer pipe, and
disappear down into the sewers of San Francisco, and you know that you'll
never ever want to come out to 180 and the letter G, ever again. And in
that sorry situation, I think it's just about time we went 10-7. I'm
getting that feeling now. Deep within the sewer pipes by now. You'll
never find your way out. You'll never want to find your way out. We're
10-7. Out.