Zach Sherwin Letter C
I did a little gig not long ago
And this dude came up to me after the show
And he said to me, “Hey you know the only difference between ‘rap' and ‘crap?' It's the letter C”
I thought, "This guy's wack"
That joke's not even a wise crack, it's a dumb crack
But the memories of pain in my butt
Like a thumb tack in my bum crack, ‘cause I didn't have a comeback
Man I wish I could've hit him with a zinger
Should've served him with the verbal equivalent of a middle finger
And now it'll linger forever but I've been stewin' over
What I'd say to him if I could do it over
He'd be like, “You know the only difference between ‘rap' and ‘crap' is the letter C?”
I'd say, "Are you insured medically?
‘Cause you sure better be
When you're broken in half from provokin' the wrath, and your joke didn't laugh
And actually there's another difference between ‘rap' and ‘crap' you did not hit
Rap describes my comedy on stage; crap describes your comedy off it”
“Aw shit!” “Oh crap!”
Everybody within earshot would be like, “Oh snap!”
I'd high five all around while the guy falls down in a ball on the ground
Someone hands him the bandage to stop the bleedin'
And when he manages to stand, I'd say, “Man you just got defeated!
It's ironic, I shit on your crap joke
You could say I defecated on it”
Murder, but I take it even further, he'd just be weeping, pathetically
I'd say, “Hey! You know the only difference between ‘defeated' and ‘defecated?' It's the letter C”
Sudden hush like when a skydiver pulls a rip cord
Somebody tip toes forward, hands me a clipboard
And I let dude read it, it's a loose leaf sheet
And it says the word “defeated”
I pull out a sharpie marker
Narrow my eyes through my Warby Parkers
Like, “Watch who you're f-in' with, with your f-in' ish”
Then I write in the C, and he's f-in-ished, FINISHED
Man, could you imagine if that's what I'd said
If I'd come up with that off the top of my head
I'd have shredded him, knocked him down, dead
But like I said, that's not what I said (sigh)