The Nothing Fight Lyrics

Dane Cook The Nothing Fight

Am i the only person here who loves to watch a couple
together that hates each others guts?
That has to be the most entertaining thing when you see
two people that just hate each other ..together,
and look we've all been there everybodys been in that
situation where you will stay with somebody you dont
even like them. Two weeks in and already you like pshh,
no way. I cant stand this peroson,
I'll hang around for 5 or 6 years then we can end this
thing violantly. I got time. Girls you make the
craziest excuses to stay, your friends will try and get
you out of it... Why dont you just go? Seriously Jill
just go, Jill? He's a jerk off. Just take your shit and
go.Your like I cant just go Kim, its not that simple,
my cd's are in his truck I can't just walk away from 40
or 50 cd's. Its gonna take 2 or 3 more years of a abuse
until I can leave with my cd'sThat couple is the best,
they fight over everything. Every little thing- huge
explosion. And its not even about the thing, its about
the fact that they wanna stab eachother in the neck
with a steak knife because they hate eachother's
existance. They get in what I call nothing fights.
Fights about absolutely nothing. Right, you see them
waiting in line for the movie theatre. They hold hands,
but its not loving at all. Its like this rigamortis,
romatioid athritis, red rover grip that they got going
on. And everything's an arguement. I should probably
bring my jacket, I might get cold.
You bring your f..cking jacket. Ya think. Do ya think?
Yes. What if they're pumpin' AC in there, and then your
cold I have to go out and I miss the previews cause I
gotta get your f..ckin' jacket. Bring your jacket.
I love nothing fights. The best nothing fight I have
ever seen in my life. I was at the supermarket a few
months ago and I'm going down the aisle and I'm at the
Stoffer's Fresh Bread Pizzas, and I'm deciding do I
want four cheese or one cheese. Cause sometimes, I like
a lot of cheese. Sometimes, I like a dancing pluffera
of cheese in my mouth. And then sometimes, I'm into a
more solo cheese adventure. Just a single, one on one.
Me and one cheese. Then sometimes I want an orgy of
cheese on my plate. So as I'm standing there,
contemplating my cheese future, I hear the nothing
fight going on in the next aisle. I dont know exactly
what they are saying, but I hear mumbles and grumbles.
Ok. I hear the guy going "grumbles" and I hear the girl
she's like [girl voice] "grumbles"care...*more
grumbles* care...I dont even care...even more
"grumbles"care..[guy] "grumbles"...care. I dont even
care *grumbles again* care... I hear the nothing fight.
I start getting so excited. I'm like I gotta go watch
this, I gotta go see this. I'm so excited I leave my
cart. You never leave your cart. God forbid somebody
comes into the store and wants exactly that shit. And
they're like What. Jackpot. This is everything I
wanted. I'm peeking around the Intimate cookies and I'm
watching the best nothing fight that I've ever been a
part of. They're in eachother's face. Ok, and the guy
is saying to the girl and he's doing it like this Do we
have any jelly in the house? Do we or do we not have
jelly. You said we did last time. I'm looking in the
cabinets and I dont see any god damn jelly. I just
wanna know if we have any jelly in the house. And she's
egging him on, she's like [girl voice] I dont even like
jelly. I dont even like jelly. I get hives if I even
look at jelly. Wha--I dont even know about jelly. I've
never even--What is jelly. I dont even care. And he's
like I dont even give a shit about the hives. I want
jelly in the f..ckin' house. Stat. Pronto. Tonite. I
dont give a--I will break your neck and pour jelly all
over your body and pray to the gods of jelly to burn
your soul in a jelly like hell. Now get the jelly!
I'm so excited, I'm eating the Intimates out of the
box. I've opened a box and I am eating.
I'll pay for it. Relax. I know you're concerned, but I
paid. This is the point during the nothing fight that I
like to get involved.
I have to get involved and I have to say something.
Just a little jab, a little poke that will fuel the
fire. And help take it to the next level. As they're
going back and forth, I walk buy them, I lean in, and I
go like this, hey dude, dude, dude, I know what you
mean about the jelly bro. Tell this twat to get jelly.
Now.[guy] See, see! Get the jelly-Uh, whats that word
again? What, Twat! Good word. Thanks bro. I didnt ev- I
forgot about that word. GET THE JELLY TWAT! Great word
dude, great word. Twat. Yes.